The GULLY | U.S. | The Bush Schtick

FEBRUARY 5, 2002. Like a faded hoofer propelled into superstardom by a newfangled medium, George W. Bush has finally found in terrorism the persona he apparently thinks he was born to play: Saint George, the dragon slayer.

Since TV turned Lucille Ball into Lucy in 1951, no public transformation in American life has been as spectacular, and personally profitable. And none as serendipitous (9/11).

Not Reagan's, who transitioned from third-tier actor to canny politician through long years of apprenticeship as GE's spokesman and California governor. Certainly not Lucille, whose Lucy was a comic miracle long waiting to happen.

In an oratorical bout that owed as much to DC comics as to the Bible, Saint George W. warned the horrific, three-headed beast, "Axis-of-Evil" (Iran, Iraq, North Korea), to mend its ways, or else, and proclaimed that, from now on, he'd gallop alone on his faithful steed U.S., to punish this or any other monster that dare cross their (his and U.S.'s) path.

European knights were soon in a tizzy. Their services were not wanted, or needed. That's as it should be, because most complained that they couldn't see the three-headed dragon. And many were so insolent as to doubt his existence. A particularly pompous knight known as Ellis Say, always the most fractious, even snickered that the world was not black and white, as George saw it.

But George knew he was right because he was good. And he was good because he was right. And all others were not right, or they were wrong or rottenly wrong because they were either not as good as he was, or they were plain bad or evil. So he paid no attention to the naysayers, which included a multitude of enraged Arabian knights and South American knights and Filipino and other Near, Middle, and Far Oriental knights.

The din went on for several days and still continues but our saint knows that, in the end, the others will be cowed by a $379 billion military budget and advanced weaponry that can knock a financier's bowler hat off his head at a million paces.

Contrary to what that reptilian Ellis Say thinks, with his superior airs, Mr. Bush knows perfectly well the difference between mythology and fact. Mythology, formerly known as ideology, is what is now also called marketing. Fact is what that'll buy you. Mr. Bush ardently believes in both mythology and fact and can hold them in his mind simultaneously. Which is why he's not a cynic, but a saint. You see, God has chosen him for a mission. A politically profitable mission, as God's missions often are.

Let the envious cackle. The sainted Mr. Bush has much work to do between now and the November congressional elections. He must ring the alarm bells, wake up the villagers, make'm shake with fear and insecurity, so they cry for his help, Republican help, in the dark night of their souls.