Kelly Sans Culotte

US Politics

Bush in Translation
What he really meant.
By DuWayne Charles

bush as Russian card
A Russian newspaper has created playing cards featuring Bush as the jack of hearts.

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SEPTEMBER 25, 2003. Baffled by Bush's September 23 speech at the United Nations? You're not alone. Just swap the headphones and video tapes for the Gully 411.

Bush: "The Taliban was a sponsor and servant of terrorism. When confronted, that regime chose defiance, and that regime is no more."

Translation: The Taliban has been regrouping, US soldiers are being picked off in Afghanistan, but damn I look good in a flak jacket

Bush: "Across Iraq, life is being improved by liberty."

Translation: There's no water, no electricity, no sewage system, and no security, but Iraqis can watch me on battery-powered TV.

Bush: "Across the Middle East, people are safer because an unstable aggressor has been removed from power. Across the world, nations are more secure because an ally of terror has fallen."

Translation: Anti-occupation recruitment and suicide bombers are just a fad. They're acting out, like the twins. C'mon, girls, give Daddy a kiss!

Bush: "Our international coalition in Iraq is meeting its responsibilities."

Translation: It's not my fault US troops just shot eight Iraqi policemen, and in August the killed six Iraqis, including a father and three of his children. I want to make that perfectly clear to all Americans aged 18 and above.

Bush: "Our actions in Afghanistan and Iraq were supported by many governments and America is grateful to each one."

Translation: Britain is more than one country, you know.

Bush: "The regime of Saddam Hussein cultivated ties to terror while it built weapons of mass destruction. It used those weapons in acts of mass murder and refused to account for them when confronted by the world."

Translation: Hey, I'm not stupid. I know Saddam didn't have a role in 9/11 or weapons of mass destruction, but that sneaky little varmint tried to play the big man. Lucky me!

Bush: "The primary goal of our coalition in Iraq is self-government for the people of Iraq, reached by orderly and democratic process."

Translation: As soon as Halliburton milks the place dry we'll hand it back over.

Bush: "Iraq now has a governing council; the first truly representative institution in that country."

Translation: The CIA selected the best ingrates, I mean, exiles available.

Bush: "Every young democracy needs the help of friends."

Translation: Old democracies can do whatever daggone thing they want.

Bush: "Now the nation of Iraq needs and deserves our aid."

Translation: $80 billion's just the tip of the Iraq trough. A man's got mouths to feed.

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