The GULLY | U.S. | Ashcroft Sticks It To Luxembourg

JANUARY 29, 2001. Slippery Johnny Ashcroft's latest, and lamest, excuse for blocking James C. Hormel's ambassadorship to Luxembourg in 1998 is that the dignified, gentlemanly philantropist and diplomat, who is gay, would have been "likely to be offensive" to the Luxembourgers.

In other words, don't blame Johnny, but those papist Cro-Magnons down in the Groussherzogtum Lëtzebuerg, as the Grand Duchy of Luxembourg is called in Luxembourgian.

As eely Johnny told inquiring Senators last week, Luxembourg's "the most Roman Catholic country in all of Europe." That's why, while it was OK for Hormel to be Alternate Delegate to the U.N. General Assembly, that well-known den of debauchery, it was not OK to inflict him on them benighted, retardatary Luxies.

Johnny should know. As a dear friend of Bob Jones U., which thinks Catholicism is "a cult," he himself is eminently qualified to be declared persona non grata by the rabidly papist Luxies. So, really, all Johnny was trying to do was to protect James Hormel from the Luxies, while pretending to protect the Luxies from James Hormel. Given the chance, Johnny would've blocked his own ambassadorial nomination to Lux, "based on the totality of the record," Bob Jones and all.

I'm glad this tawdry squabble has finally been cleared up.

So, based on the totality of the totality of the record, here are my recommendations:

1. That Ambassador Hormel send a letter of thanks to Johnny Ashcroft, along with a fat check for his next political campaign.

2. That the Grand Duke Henri of Luxembourg send a letter of thanks to Johnny Ashcroft, along with a fat check for his next political campaign (made out to Bob Jones U., lest Johnny be forced to register as a Foreign Agent).

3. That Johnny be confirmed Secretary of State on the strength of his superb command of obscure, albeit mendacious, geoanthropological trivia. (Powell can become national security advisor, and Condoleezza Rice go to Justice—now that would be a real coup.)

4. That the State Department release an All Points Advisory warning Americans not to visit brutish Luxembourg, particularly if they are, or have ever been, a) associated with Bob Jones University; b) lapsed Catholics; c) lax Catholics—use contraceptives, are pro-choice, don't think Pope is infallible, doubt Mary's virginity and so on; d) excommunicated Catholics—i.e. divorced (yes, you're de facto excommunicated even if you didn't get an excom notice from the Pope); e) members of any Protestant church, sect, congregation, or outpost who has ever disparaged Catholics—the list is too long to publish, but you know who you are; f) queer; g) under 95.

In truth, I wouldn't be surprised to hear that Luxembourg Prime Minister Jean-Claude Juncker, a Christian Democrat who supports "domestic partnerships for all," queers included, is itching to sue Johnny Ashcroft for defamation of his country's character.

Or that Luxies, who've turned their country into an international banking and financial services powerhouse cum European political convention center on the strength of their amiable cosmopolitanism, are worried that instead of "the crossroads of Western Europe," they'll heretofore be known as Ashcroft's "Missouri of Western Europe."

Or that the Grand Duke is so distressed he even considered inviting Johnny Ashcroft to go see for himself that Luxies aren't as Cro-Magnon as he'd painted them.

Or that his Minister of Justice talked the Grand Duke out of it.

After all, a 1997 law signed by the Grand Duke himself punishes with prison (1 month to 2 years) or fines (up to 1 million Francs) any "incitement to hatred, discrimination, and violence or acts of discrimination" against any person, community or corporate body "based on their origin, color, sex, sexual orientation, family status, health condition, disability, life-style, political or philosophical convictions, trade union activities, or their real or assumed affiliation to a particular ethnic group, nation, race, or religion."

Were it not for his U.S. passport, slimey Johnny could well have landed in a Luxie slammer. Which would have been a (richly deserved) embarrassment for the U.S. of A.