Kelly Sans Culotte

U.S. Politics

God is a GOP, Jesus a 'CRAT
Taking sides in Heaven.
By Herndon L. Davis

Herdon L. Davis

Complete Coverage
Gay Mundo
U.S. Politics

JUNE 3, 2005. Insiders in the Kingdom of Heaven report a rift in the divine family which literally threatens to tear their earthly family apart.

The patriarch of life, the most High Father himself, God, has apparently aligned himself with staunch U.S. political conservatives and is now believed to be a card-carrying member of the GOP, the Grand Old (Republican) Party.

His son, Jesus, meanwhile, rumored to be a liberal, has wrapped himself tightly in a blue democratic cloth, standing for a kindler, gentler and more progressive approach towards earth. Their stark differences of political beliefs caused a rumbling in Heaven reflected in several severe weather patterns across the globe.

As this Father-Son feud continues to escalate, angels in Heaven are reportedly taking sides on issues like gay rights, abortion, contraception, the Iraq War, safe-sex education, social security, judicial appointments, affirmative action, and women in the clergy.

This growing rift in ideology and political affiliations between God and Jesus is rumored to have been fed by an elite and empowered group of earthly clergymen, businesspeople, career politicians, and higher income bracket individuals. They pray, worship, and aggressively hold on to literal beliefs of Old Testament teachings where God is described as being firm, decisive, strict, and black-and-white with no room for gray, while bathing themselves in the New Testament with Jesusí blood of redemption and unconditional love for themselves.

Meanwhile, formerly oppressed groups such a blacks, women, gays and lesbians, and the financially and socially impoverished, often pray, worship and aggressively embrace the spiritual teachings of the New Testament Jesus, a figure who ostensibly encouraged liberation, social justice, compassion, and unconditional love for every person regardless of their race, gender, income, or sexual orientation.

Both groups have been lobbying and petitioning God and Jesus separately, not realizing that they're essentially indivisible. At the same time, both groups claim to have cornered the will of this heavenly Father-Son duo, resulting in a nation of blue and red states deeply divided on nearly every socioeconomic issue known to man.

Early next week, a series of peace talks between God and Jesus is being mediated by the Holy Spirit to determine how best to resolve their joint teachings in both Testaments so that individuals are able to seek and understand the spiritual meaning of their collective word.

Also on the agenda during the God-Jesus conference is a brainstorming session on how best to teach clergy and laity alike to interpret Scripture within its original 1st and 2nd century culture and language.

As yet another U.S. presidential election year draws closer, the angels are making celestial repairs to the damage done in the previous cycle by earthly family members determined to divide and conquer Heaven.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, one angel twanged, "If earthly people of faith don't get right soon, there'll be hell to pay!"

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